Windy Day in Pooh Corner

Or should I say it's been a blustery day. The wind is blowing and leaves are flying. The temperatures are dropping and I can smell snow just around the corner.

How do you define contentment?

The kids and I took lunch over to Amy's house today. She said I looked happy for the first time in years. She's right - I feel happy. I love my new job, the end of the doctorate courses are in sight, the adjunct teaching is picking up....I am content with life.

I was challenged to think about mental roadblocks and how we all need to pay attention to the roadblocks we erect.

The first roadblock I have is "The mistaken belief that a successful life is one with roadblocks." Guilty - I still find myself thinking that if something comes easily that it means I didn't do it right or I "lucked out" and therefore it doesn't count as much.

The trap of security. Can we say 10 years in marriage hell and 10 years in work hell because I felt it was secure?

Being too scattered – idea avalanches. Yeah - I have a million ideas to make a million dollars and I struggle to focus on just 5.

Procrastination. I will answer this one later.

Excuse making. I would answer this one but I am doing laundry.

If only syndrome. yeah, like if only I had lost weight or or or

Questions to Ponder Regarding Roadblocks

What roadblock do I struggle with most? Wanting to do everything right now (over committment) and feeling frustrated because of lack of movement beyond the thinking stage or initial doing stage - not accepting that I can't squeeze 60 hours into a 24 hour day.

What other roadblocks have I created? Pushing myself harder than I should. Making it all a struggle.

The price I pay for this roadblock is? burnout? Exhaustion?

The price the world pay for this roadblock is? less of me to go around in a quality manner

My plan to eliminate my roadblock(s) is...? slow down and be more deliberate

What are your roadblocks?

Still Around

I am still here. Been incredibly busy lately.

I am overjoyed to have found the PERFECT JOB for me at this point in my career/life. I am the Director of Assessment, Evaluation and Institutional Effectiveness at a College. It is wonderful! I am using my skills and being appreciated for the knowledge that I bring. I AM VALUED!

Coursework in the doctorate program is winding down - 5 classes left and I am ready to tackle the dissertation.

Will be teaching adjunct in the Spring - Research Methods - what can I say I have a healthy dose of geekiness swirling around inside of me.

My outlook on life is definitely positive and I am starting to experience a payoff to all the years and years of hardwork. Success certainly has a pleasant taste to it.

More later - I promise.

Anyone still reading?

Sheesh, been ages since an update.....

I have been hitting the job scene hard and heavy (please no snickering). What appeared to be the perfect job turned into an interview which turned into a thanks but no thanks letter of rejection. Since things at work have been less than ideal, I was emotionally knocked off my feet - it sounded like the perfect job. Oh, let's face it, I cried for a long time. I had my letter of resignation ready to go.

So back to work and back to looking. Not too many nibbles - okay so none to speak of really. I have a good strong resume and cover letter ---- just a lot of competition in the work place. Speaking of work - ugh. Some of you know I have been trying to get them to create a much needed counseling position. After years of pushing they created the position and staffed it - but they forgot to tell me. Their reasoning - the money would have been slightly less than you are making so we assumed you wouldn't be interested. My reaction was "intense" to say the least so then there were meetings regarding my "negative attitude". The last meeting they wanted me to know that it was okay with them if I wanted to design some parenting seminars on a volunteer basis while they look to see if they can find funding to put them on. (I have a sign on a mirror by my computer that says "if your face is turning blue, breathe").

So, my attitude sucks and I do a lot of job searching.

Then we move on to exhole who is once again looking for work - I guess the part about him telling them I was dead didn't save his ass like he thought.

And the kids......you know I love my children dearly but....I know why some animals eat their young.

I recently (and by accident) found out that Ryann's pseudo friend Vicki has been back up to her less than desirable behaviors. Seems Vicki created websites for herself and thought it would be fun to create ones for Ryann and Katie. She also gave them access to dating sites. The girls are 12 and 13 years of age. Being stupid, they all had full names, address, and lots of personal information as well as some provocative pictures posted for any pedophile to see. After several meetings with moms and girls (which aren't over yet because Vicki and mom are still on vacation), Ryann and Katie are grounded from the computers for life. Only Vicki can erase the websites so we are fuming and waiting. The girls (not to put all the blame on Vicki) had been regularly updating their websites with some very rude and offensive comments - no one is innocent in this mess.

Summer is here in full swing - hot and humid. Ryann and Mason are home bored to death (can we all say "poor babies" at the same time?). They don't want to go to library, they don't want to clean, they don't want to go to park, they don't want to.....call the wambulance we have some whiners.

School is going well --- because of the CBT course I am pulling an extra class each semester so more work and more intense work at this level as would be expected. The on-line counseling started then died. I need to figure out how to stroke a little life back into that.

On top of all this, I did a number on my neck and ended up in a cervical collar and a few days of drug induced la-la land. Good news is that it is feeling much much better. Bad news is I have to wear the collar to bed for a few more weeks. Good news is that I go to ortho next week....bad news is it's about the ongoing saga of my wrist. Good news is that it is workers comp (Carpel Tunnel) bad new is I don't think I can put off surgery any longer. Good news is break from work - bad new is healing time at home with children present.............ugh.

Let's see what else --- haven't lost any weight and haven't gained any weight so that's a positive considering how much I emotionally eat. Good news is that I have been walking fairly regularly bad news is that I could have lost weight if I hadn't been eating so much.

Good news - I decided to do something different and put my name and pic on match.com (on line dating). Bad news is that it has been a month and no one is interested.

Good news - I started wearing some makeup; bad new is now that I have started I cant really stop - ugh.

Good news - summer is here; bad news it is hot and sticky as hell.

Good news - kittens are healthy; bad news they wake up at 3am and wanna play pounce on the face.

Oh and Mason is still interested in band. He turned in the clarinet he had been borrowing for the last school year and brought home a baritone. DO YOU KNOW HOW LOUD A BARITONE IS? Sounds like a hippo farting or a elephant who's constipated.

But the kids all got good report cards --- Ryann pulled off a 4.0 GPA; Mason all A's and B's and even Dane had all A's and B's with only notes on behavior issues.

I did get a summer Teaching Assistant position. It's about 12 hours of work behind the scenes and one weekend morning of teaching solo. I am very excited. I am creating the presentations and test (lots of grunt work but great experience). Bad new -- it's my least favorite subject -- STATISTICS. The money is minimal.

Good news - I've been meeting Dr. xxx (very well known in the counseling fields), who asked if I wanted to do my dissertation on a topic he is working on. The idea is that when I am done we would turn it into a book. (He's already published several). I am thinking about it seriously - its about antisocials so.....well.....mmmmm.

Good news - another professor applied for a grant for a research assistant to help him write a text book. He asked me if I was interested. LIKE HELL YES!!!! It would be minimal pay and evening/weekends research but excellent for getting published.

So, I am still here. I am standing up. Who cares if the shoes I am wearing don't match. At least I am dressed and I only bang my head against a hard surface a dozen times a day instead of continuously.

Where the brain is...

What a busy schedule lately. School, friends, kid's end of school events, etc.....

A wonderful friend flew in from NH last Friday and we didn't stop until around noon on Monday. We did Ikea, Kohls, World Market, Sears Tower, Brookfield Zoo, and lots and lots of food. We even surprised Viz with a short visit for some Buddy puppy kisses.

She was a little overwhelmed by the kids but handled it quite well - only a few twitches here and there.

Kids are nearing the end of school, I am gearing up for a really busy school summer.

I am having a hard time figuring out what to do next --- I think I have finally reached a point of saturation and I am struggling with trying to refocus on the goals for the next year. I need a new job or a 2nd job. I've done the initial sending blind resumes and asking my network for suggestions. Nothing came of it so it's on to the next step which I don't know what that is....it's different at this level.

I am mentally exhausted and I can't be not yet - although I don't know when I can be.

I've recently begun to comprehend how much more I need to do to take better care of myself on all levels.

So, that's where my brain is....

Weekend of Fur and Fin

Day One: It was awesome! I was there at the airport and fending off offers to buy the 7 foot long fur'd'piller (one guy offered me $25). Dillybobbers (stopped and bought two of them) and Groucho Marx glasses.....

I knew it was Amy by the way her whole body went into convulsions when she saw me.

Off to lunch after a drive of - you pick, no you pick, no YOU pick, no YOU pick.

I ended up picking cause she was being a dork.

After lunch a little headrush visit to Pier One and Trader Joes.

Then to Drew for the massage.

Poor little Drew - I think we have forever changed his view of women. Amy told him the missing tampon story. (Yes, we both went in the massage room with him at the same time -- that was the first of his "oh....well.....oh....this is irregular....") He should have run then.

So....Amy gets her massage and did pretty well - only grinning like a doof when he asked her very innocently "are you really tight?"

My turn - we start talking - he starts mentioning his roommate - who sounds like the perfect male for Jenn/comic - and Amy and I are commenting on that. I in my massaged out bliss ask "Does he like sheep". I forgot that I hadn't explained Jenn's fettish and that he doesn't know Jenn from a hole in the ground. Amy said the look on his face was like PRICELESS. By the time it dawned on me how off the wall and weird that question was - I dared not laugh or I would start to fart.

Needlesstosay the "Does he like sheep" will haunt me forever I fear. I will try to explain next week when I see him again.

Then it was off to the apartment for Amy to meet the kids. You know how children don't shut up and like to impress pretty strangers with all sorts of disgusting body noises and jokes that are attempts at showing off their wit? Imagine that happening when the adult has ADD. Imagine that happening when the mom has a serious over developed gross gag response. I am not sure if Amy was impressed or appauled. After a few hours of them going through their bag of tricks off to dinner we went.

Dinner was Indian buffet which I think Amy enjoyed. The sweat on her face gave her tan a nice glow. All was well until the body functions jokes began again......sigh.

Back to apartment were exhole was waiting (none of the kids wanted to go with him - hee hee hee). Amy stood off to the side - looking like GI Jane ready to attack at the slighted hint. I think she was even drooling at the thought of beating him.

Mason ended up going with him.

Then it was chatting while listening to IL DIVO and talking about serial killers with my daughter (don't ask).

11pm - off to bed.

Oh, she loved the kittens, ratties, and even the psycho hamster.

So far we are having a wonderful time. I would let her respond but she has barrcaded herself in Ryann's room and sealed it with duct tape. I figure using the butcher knife and axe, I will get her (I mean have her out) within an hour.

Day 2: I was up and ready to go at 6am. Sharkie slept till 8ish and then we kicked Ryann out of bed around 9ish.

Breakfast out. (so far we are behaving ourselves and acting pretty damn suburban).

11am - IKEA I finally get to hear some squeals....and moans....and OMFG.... HOLYMOTHEROFGOD....and a few other unidentifable grunts.

4 hours later --- year 4 HOURS LATER we leave IKEA. We have new pillows, quilt covers, dishes, pictures, decorative crap - and three very very happy customers.

Off to a quick appetizer break - oh yummy mouth orgasm followed by Starbucks.

Then on to Cost Plus World Market, TJ Maxx.

Dump goodies off at apartment - visit with drunk neighbors.

More shopping at Kohls.

DOWNTOWN CHICAGO!

Sears Tower! 103 stories above the night lights in Chicago where you can see the lights from 4 other states! It was awesome. The motion of the building got to me and towards the end I was feeling quite seasick. (I think it really really impressed Amy - so cool!!!!!)

Then after a little confusion on which direction was which --- back to the 'burbs. By this time blood sugar was low and mixed with sea sickness - I was feeling a little punky.

Dinner was hysterical. After eating, we were sitting there chatting and one of us announced "I have to fart" and then proceeded to make a loud noise. Unfortunately, a man at the bar was looking directly at the person making the statement and connected the sound to the person and the eye to eye contact was hysterical. Talk about laughing so hard that you were this close to peeing your pants....one of those laughs where you know if you don't breath soon you will pass out and lose all spincter control. My teenage daughter was horrified which made the whole situation even funnier. When you can embarass your kids - it's a good day. How we were able to walk out of that place without crapping our pants is beyond me. People in a booth nearby even told us to quiet down.....hee hee hee.

The ride home was likewise out of control with giggling, snorting, snerking, and farting.

We finally crashed a little after midnight.

Ryann and Amy are still sleeping - meanwhile I have been up for hours drinking coffee, playing with the purchased goodies and checking to see if I broke any blood vessels yesterday.

(by the way Jenn ---- no alcohol has been involved at all this weekend - which makes you wonder what would have happened if there had been any.....)

(Also Jenn - you are not the only one with sheep fettishes -- we saw lots and lots of sheep related products......)

Today is a little more shopping and then off to the Brookfield Zoo (this time including the boys). Later Mason wants to share an Office Max experience with Amy.

Day 3: Sunday started off slow and mellow --- there was plenty of coffee so no growling and snarling around the kitchen counter.

Then off for some more shopping

Boys arrived around 11:30 and we headed off for lunch and the zoo. When we realized that everyone was endanger of a falling face first into their lunch plate - we decided to go back to the house and take a short power nap.

Woke up refreshed and then off to the zoo.

I caught Amy trying to bribe a few zoo officials to keep the children --- but this happens so often that they are immune to even her bare breast boob flashes. The sheep at the petting zoo got some special squeals -- Jenn, we took a picture just for you.

Watching the animals get all natural, really set Amy and I off --- we started doing the blackmail type pictures. (My kids were AMUSED/APPAULED) but they made up for it in jokes and annoying the hell out of us on the car ride home.

On the way home, we surprized Viz with a visit --- hee hee hee. Then it was home to go out to dinner and dessert. Then we left Ryann watching the boys and we headed out for second dessert (AND NO KIDS) at the cheesecake factory. OINK OINK.

Poor Amy is twitching from the children.

Moving Day Approaches....

After living in a small 2 bedroom apartment with 3 kids for three years we are moving. The new apartment has 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a real dining room, an adult sized kitchen and a decent sized living room. There is even a small pantry and a small linen closet.

I get my own room! I get my own bathroom! I feel like such an adult.

No more being punched or yelled at in unholy hour of 2am by my teenage daughter telling me to stop snoring. No more cultural clash of my mature bedspread clashing with her teenage headache inducing bedspead as our twin bed display the age difference.

No more waking up wondering if that poster is Ashton or Orlando or some other idol of the week. No more feeling like I am in the Land of the Beanie Babies or the Hell of Teenage Angst.

I can now look forward to a room of peace and serenity where the soft shades of my bedspread are echoed in the beautiful pictures on the wall. Where the wide expanse of clean floor gives me room to dance without being laughed at.

Where I can lay at night and read without disturbance. Where I don't have to answer the questions of why boy are such buttheads. No more debates about the purpose of multiplying fractions for life skills. No more agruing that pink strips do not look good with a blue checkered pants (I still think it could work).

My own room....sigh....it's going to be lonely. I think I will go buy a poster of Johnny Depp...

Seeking your thoughts....

As my daughter Ryann approaches her thirteenth birthday she is preparing herself for a journey that many of us started years before. Her body is changing and with the physical changes will come moments of pleasure as well as those times of intense embarrassment. Mentally she is learning just how big the world is and how endless are her choices. She is only beginning to comprehend all the options that await her. She is just now starting to understand how she will be the one to choose her way though the world.

A mother’s advice, while priceless, is often discarded during this
transition. I can only trust that the words I have already spoken to
her will be heard throughout her life. The words of other women can
have a powerful impact on the life of a young woman.

I would like to give my daughter the gift of other women’s wisdom. I
envision a compilation of essays bound together. I would like to give
her the thoughts, dreams, hopes and aspirations from the women who have
already embarked on their personal journeys. Along with the positive
experiences, many of us have experienced sadness, disappointment, fear
and uncertainty and that could be shared with her as well.

Will you please take a few minutes of your valuable time and share with
her some of the wisdom you have learned in your life journey? There are no rules or guidelines other than what you feel is important to share. Share a story, offer advice…the option is yours. Write as little or as much as you feel comfortable sharing. There is a simple questionnaire that I ask you return with your essay.

It would be most helpful if you could email the essay by April 15th.
If there are women you admire, please forward this email to them as
well. Emailed essays should be sent to rymada@hotmail.com


Your name: ______________________________________

Your age: __________

Your occupation: ______________________________________


SAMPLE STARTS/IDEAS:

“The most important thing to remember about being a woman is…”

“The best advice that I was given was…”

“As you become a young woman…”

“I wish someone had told me…”

“What being a woman means to me…”

My Friend "Barking Shark"

So, last night Jenn and I are talking to Amy who admits to having eaten a HUGE amount of sugar free candy. Sugar free candy is made with Malitol which can cause EXPLOSIVE SQUARE FARTS!!!

This morning I get the following message:

May have laxative effect:
Oh
My
Friggin
God.

Let's put it this way....went to let a little gas out, right?

WRONG.
Totally shat myself.
AT WORK.
I'll let you have a laugh - how can you not?


I start giggling....a little bit later, I get this message:

this is bordering on truly ridiculous, now.... it hasn't stopped...I am concerned about dehydration, because more water is pouring out of me than I can get in. I broke down and sipped a gatorade along with water...

never ever ever ever evr again will I eat this stuff. I threw the jelly beans away..scared...

oh, going to the post office was fun....*clench* breathe...*clench* breathe....

At this point tears are starting to form....and a new message appears:

LOL your'e welcome..I got sick of pooping water, so I just made the most NUMMY burritos, Atkins style... so now I can have a mexican tornado shoot out my butt, y'know, change things up a bit. If I were to describe what was going on, it sounds like a violent tropical thunderstorm in my guts, someone has put my intestines on 'whip' and then booted up to 'puree'.

Sorry about Crotchheads at work...I have them too....

Did I just say 'crotchheads'?????

Just when I thought I had heard everything - this email appeared:

do not, I repeat, do not hold a rat in your lap for sympathy furbaby love while having explosive farting diarrhea...rat will peel out of lap at 4000 rpm's because you scared the living shit out of it.

And to think you all thought "BarkingShark" had something to do with undewater creatures-----snort


What is just as amusing is her response to "so what did you end up doing at work?

BarkingShark: I shot out of chair, stif-legged it to potty...and cleaned up as much as possible - pants, undies..thank god it was mostle liquid and didnt really stain. Wrapped papertowel into a pad and wore it while undies and pants dried out a bit.

furry

Removing superglue and plastic from body....

It's amazing how I can still type even though I can't really feel the keyboard.

How do you remove superglue? Especially if it has firmly adhered plastic to your body so tightly that Hummer couldn't pull it apart?

Quit giggling or I won't tell you what happened.

It had been a long week and the kids had really stepped up to the plate. I had a 3 hour community parenting meeting after work on Thursday (made some awesome contacts by the way and really put myself out there for additional seminars). On Saturday, I was at Parent University all morning (another 4 hours).

Ryann watched the boys and everything went well. So I decided that Sunday we would take a trip to the zoo and have some fun.

Ryann woke up Sunday with a fever and since the weather was still a little too brisk, I scratched the whole Zoo trip. But I wanted to do something nice for them. So.....and don't laugh at me....I took them to Chuck E. Cheese. I know, I know - I swore I would never voluntarily step foot in that place again......but I did.

I read my book and they had a blast for several hours.

They earned handfuls of tickets. And at the end they turned in the tickets and picked out plastic cheap toys/trinkets.

Welll.....on the way home one of the cheap plastic toys broke and a child was distraught. So - mom to the rescue with SUPERGLUE. Cheap plastic toys are made with cheap plastic that can flake and melt from the power of SUPERGLUE --- and now you know why I have plastic fused to my fingers.

And the toy....by the time, I had it fixed, the interest had wanned and the toy was no longer desired. I thought about SUPERGLUING it to Dane's forehead but figured that would cause a few comments to be raised about my parenting skills.

So....about the removal of SUPERGLUE and plastic.....any ideas?

Claim to Fame?

Fate has a wicked sense of humor sometimes.

The photographer was a perfect male specimen – not too tall, not too short, well groomed with a nicely defined ass. His soft South African accent made my ears tingle with anticipation waiting for the next words to be spoken.

It was early evening, the stars just beginning to twinkle in the slowly darkening sky. The wind was softly blowing the curtains.

He was standing in my bathroom. The smell of the scented candle I lit filled the room with the soft scent of jasmine.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub gazing up at him with expectation and even a little excitement. I could feel my heart beat a little faster.

Then he looked at me with his head slightly cocked and uttered the words I was dreading… “So, you are the toilet paper lady.”

Reality came crashing back with a loud THUNK.

The handsome photographer was there to take pictures of me providing instructions on how to replace an empty roll of toilet paper with a full roll.

When did dreamy foreign accents and toilet paper get so confused…?

…it was late at night when I read about the Outrageous Job Posting Contest. I must have been tired – I posted an ad…..

Company: Furry's World
Rate: (Contract $1,000)
Type: Contract
City: Chicago Suburbs

I am willing to come to your home to teach all the residents the proper method of putting on a new roll of toilet paper.

History will be explained. Technique will be demonstrated and all participants will have the opportunity to practice in real-life situations.

All participants will be awarded with a certificate of completion and a 4-pack roll of 2-ply toilet paper.

*Note: Only the "Roll Over" method is used.


Before I knew it Bill from the Chicago Tribune was emailing me. He wanted to do a story on the job. The interview was so much fun. I did try to add a serious aspect to it by mentioning my counseling skills and domestic stress busters.

Following the interview was the photo shoot. Now you know why I was sitting in my bathroom with a hunk of a photographer posing with toilet paper.

I just want to let Mr. Whipple know that he doesn’t need to update his resume; I am not competition. And for the record, I didn’t squeeze the Charmin.

My 15 minutes of fame will be published March 20th. I can proudly go forward – not as Ryann’s mother, not as Mason’s mom, not as Dane’s mommy – but I can step boldly into the spotlight as The Toilet Paper Teacher.

furry

Anyone want a little boy....

Free. 7 year old boy. Good homes need not apply.

At my son's monthly check up there was a young and very very handsome intern with a wonderful sense of humor. I wasn't like SLUT FLIRTING but I was perhaps a little friendly and maybe a little more chatty.

My 7 year old says to me in a loud voice (in front of the handsome dreamy eyed doctor) "mom, you are 43 years OLD, aren't you too OLD for him"

He didn't need the shot - but he got one anyway - with the biggest needle I could find........sigh

If you want him - he's yours.

Being Me?

I've been thinking (I know 'RUN')

First a little history - I left home when I was 16 and never went back. I got a full time job and finished high school. I always supported myself and worked. At first I had jobs simply to pay the bills. Later as my education increased so did my job responsibilities. I got an associates degree as a Legal Secretary because that was what "career girls did".

I got my Bachelors in Management because I wanted out of the secretary pool. I become an administrative assistant. I got my Masters in Business because I wanted more. I became an IS Manager.

At 29, I got married because I was expected and if I waited I would be an "old maid". So I married the first person who asked.

By 30, I had my first child - because that is what married women are expected to do. I had two more children.

I then "woke" up and realized I was in a bad marriage (okay, so I knew beforehand but I was too afraid to do anything about it until "the incident" - then I was more afraid of staying in the marriage).

At age 38, I finally found something that clicked with me - it was psychology. I found my passion! Off to grad school I went - full-time while still working full-time and figuring out what it meant to be a single mother of three. It wasn't easy but I felt alive for the first time in my life. No one really expected me to finish the program 12 months early - heck, I am sure many didn't think I would finish at all. I squeezed a year long practicum into my schedule while not letting go of anything.

Fast forward a little.

I am now going full steam ahead for my doctorate. I am still working full-time, and raising the children alone. I am also trying to build up a 20 hour a week counseling practice.

I love it! I know that this is my choice and my dream.

But (you all knew the "but" was coming didn't you?)....

Due to my schedule, I spend about 4 hours a night on school work after an 8 hour work day. I do this in the living room with constant interaction with the children. I try to make sure that we eat all dinners together as a family. On weekends we do one thing together as a family. But, I don't read stories to the kids anymore - I don't play monopoly or do more real interactions with them each night.

As soon as my daughter was old enough to watch the boys on her own - I celebrated. I love going to the grocery store by myself. I love going to a seminar to lead a parenting discussion. I love making excuses to simply escape for a little me time - escaping from the kids and work and even school.

So, the problem ---- I am feeling like for the first time in my life that I am acting too selfishly. I want to move more into my future than I do to say in my current role. I find myself looking forward to the time when the kids are even older and (dare I even say it) moved out of home. I find myself more and more thinking about the time when I can do more parenting and weekend seminars...when I can start teaching weekend and evening courses.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children deeply and I am committed to being the best parent I can be - but lately I am finding myself more and more focused on what I want out of life. I don't even find myself seriously considering a relationship with anyone because it would mean giving up some of "my" time. I am not feeling resentful - but I do find myself with an awareness that the time I spend with them does take away from the time I could be doing more of "my" stuff.

Does this make sense?

So, why am I writing this post? Because I would like to know if any of you feel the same way? It's not something you often discuss in person with friends --- what if they judge you negatively? What if they misunderstand and think you are trying to slack off on parenting? What if they think you resent being a mother?

I sometimes look at individuals who made the decision to remain single and childfree and I will admit that this has a lot of positives to me. Knowing what I know - would I make the same decisions? I don't know if I would. That kinda bothers me sometimes.

So....long post.....do we all give up some of ourselves to be wives/mothers? Do we work to reclaim that or do we work within the "confines". Is it selfish or healthy?

Before I die....

When you look back on life, don't regret the things you did, but rather all the things you did not do............

100 things I want to do before I die.....

1. Run in a marathon - not win - just run to the end
2. Spend time with my some-day grandchildren
3. Finish my doctorate (2 years away!!!)
4. Buy another dream house and decorate exactly like I want
5. Camel safari in Africa
6. See my children find their path in lives
7. Go to Hawaii
8. Visit Washington DC
9. Write the 6+ novels bouncing in my head
10. Visit Australia
11. Find my path in life (I found it)
12. Own a yellow Ford Escape
13. Go back to Alaska for a visit
14. Own my own ranch
15. Eat sushi in Japan
16. Get a full body massage
17. Lose the excess weight I have
18. Celebrate my 100th birthday
19. Travel throughout India
20. Travel throughout Asia
21. Take a cruise
22. Take kids to Disneyworld
23. Start private practice (I have business cards!!!)
24. Establish my dream practice/center
25. Get mole/cyst removed from side of nose
26. Find/Buy another Count Snerk D'Fur
27. Have sex again with a man
28. See Stonehenge
29. Have breakfast in the Rockies
30. Visit Italy
31. Visit Morocco
32. Visit Egypt
33. Visit South America
34. Visit Europe
35. Visit Tibet
36. Buy a bike and take a bike tour of some place beautiful and relatively flat
37. Eat lobster in Maine
38. Eat Crawfish in New Orleans during Maudi Gras
39. Enjoy Tapas in Portugal
40. Go diving with Humpback Whales
41. Dig for dino bones
42. Walk along the Great Wall of China
43. Take a nap under a redwood tree
44. Eat a banana picked fresh off the tree
45. See Gorillas in the wild
46. Spend a week alone somewhere in some wilderness
47. Go white water rafting in Idaho (again)
48. Get personalized license plates
49. Buy myself a really nice piece of jewerly
50. Have a huge huge huge 50th birthday party
51. donate blood more regularily - I only do about 4 times a year
52. learn to play a musical instrument
53. learn to roller blade
54. run for local office
55. shower in a waterfall
56. write a children's book
57. snorkle around the Great Barrier Reef
58. watch the night sky from near Area 54
59. help someone else complete an item on their list
60. jump into a kiddee pool full of jello

will be adding to the list until I reach 100

Things I have already done....

1. Watched volcano eruptions -- Alaska and Mt St. Helen's
2. Survived hurricane
3. Survived flash flood
4. survived forest fire
5. survived earthquakes
6. eye witnessed a tidal wave (very small)
7. Lived in Alaska
8. Walked on a glacier
9. Petted a life muskox
10. moose/deer/bear hunting
11. owned a fox/hawk/skunk/raccoon
12. eaten pinenuts fresh from pinecones
13. lived in semi-wilderness for 2 weeks
14. been homeless
15. had my dream home
16. been married / divorced
17. have children
18. ran over by a car
19. have a Masters in Business
20. have a Masters in Professional Counseling
21. am a Licensed Professional Counselor
22. met incredible people on line
23. saved a human life
24. helped clean up an oil spill
25. touched a whale
26. have been on Mt. McKinely - lower slopes
27. held a baby mountain lion
28. fed a baby elephant
29. owned a tarantula
30. Met a president
31. Met a supreme court justice
32. seen the Grand Canyon
33. watch Apollo 13 actually launch in 1970
34. was watching tv when the Challenger exploded
35. have a bag of ash from Mt. St. Helens
36. help a calf get born
37. eaten rattlesnake
38. have been a guest on a talk show
39. was a radio dj
40. have broken several bones
41. can speak a foreign language
42. have been to Mexico
43. have been to Canada
44. have met a few "famous" people
45. seen Niagra Falls
46. been in and out of coma
47. Lived in many different US states
48. raced motorcycles
49. thrown from a horse a few times
50. mined for garnets, rubies and gold
51. eaten alligator
52. taught my son to snowboard
53. eaten moose, bear, and buffaloe
54. eaten whale blubber ice cream
55. caught a rattle snake
56. dropped coins on an alligator's head
57. fed marshmellows to an alligator
58. stole a box turtle from the Everglades when I was 8
59. interviewed for article in Business Week
60. called at home by the CDC
61. interviewed by FBI regarding brother
62. dressed in black and rescued rabbits at midnight
63. was a "victim" during a emergency drill
64. planted pine trees on a mountain side after a forest fire
65. spent a summer on a tower looking for forest fires
66. spent a weekend counting seals on an island
67. seen the northern lights (a lot)
68. been both on seashores of the US
69. was lost at sea for 2 days
70. been in a helicopter and a 2 seater airplane
71. received the Governors' Wives award for Volunteerism
72. had dinner with Maya Angelou
73. am in medical books of 1965
74. had an APB out for my arrest when I was 18
75. been drunk in 12 different states
76. used to dissolve slugs with salt

Kids, kids and more kids

Long weekends always means having kids spend the night. Friday night I hosted a slumber party for my son. It included five 10-year-old (one is mine), an 8 year-old, and a 7-year-old (mine). Add to that my 12-year-old daughter.

The boys are all into Yu-Gi-Oh. They all brought their trading cards and Gameboy's and while I knew they were speaking in English, I couldn't understand a word of what they were saying.

Tonight, it's payback time with a few extra 12-year-old girls.

Between all the pizza, cake, rootbeer floats, Chinese takeout and shopping mall pretzels and cheese ---- I am sure I have gained five pounds to go with all the "cool" points I have earned.

I also know who's got a crush on who....and I've been told my fashion sense is now hopelessy outdated.

The smell of nail polish has permeated every surface.

I must confess, I have a blast with the kids and like being involved.

I love my cell phone!

The new cell phone has voice recognition...if I say "call World's Biggest Asshole" the phone responds "connecting to World's Biggest Asshole" and then the exhole answers - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

I actually called him the other day just to hear the phone recording.

New Gadgets

I have had a cell phone for many years. I got it when I got divorced, went back to school and when the kids started school so I could be reached in case of emergency. There are only a small handful of people who know my number so when it rings it's usually important.

I started off with something like 25 hours a month. I never ever went over that amount.

Every few years, they would give me a new phone and a new contract. The price has remained the same because I don't choose to change the plan. But they keep giving me extras.

I now have something like 300 free minutes a month and unlimited evening and weekends. I still average less than 25 minutes a month.

Yesterday, I received my new phone for the next two years. It's a small flip phone. It has animated backgrounds, two dozen different ring options, voice activation, a small recorder, planner, games, calculator, alarm clocks, etc....

The instruction manual is bigger and weighs more than the phone.

It chirps, whistles, dings, rings, and vibrates.

I can text message, play my favorite songs, check emails, calculate tips, schedule appointments, and I can surf the web.

I am 1/2 way through the manual and I don't think I need a second phone to simply make and receive calls - I think this one also does that.

Folding Cranes

A former co-worker of a friend has been stricken with a illness that has left her staring at the white ceiling.

www.nicolegregory.com

Around Thanksgiving, some of her spinal fluid leaked out into her blood, clotted and caused a massive spinal stroke. She is currently paralyzed from the neck down (she is only 28 years old). After 3 months, she was finally able to move one shoulder. If she ever does recover...it's going to be a long process.

If you go to the website, you'll see that her cousin is asking for people to fold paper cranes for her (like that story Sadako the Paper Cranes). Apparently, in Japan, being delivered 1000 paper cranes is a sign for good health. She has received over 1000 already, but she's working on her second thousand. The directions to fold the cranes are on the website. If you'd like to help me fold a couple cranes, I'm planning on sending her a big box full. You can read more about her on her website.

The kids and I have been making cranes. My daughter adds eyes, eyelashes, nose holes and other artistic touches. She made one from tissue paper that is so very delicate. She is going to be taking the story to school to make more cranes.

My boys wanted to make crane droppings but I refused to give them the paper. They did "accidently" crash a few of the cranes they made.....sigh.

It's interesting how folding a piece of paper can connect you with a total stranger. When you touch the next sheet of paper in real life - who do you connect with?

About Women

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. I am getting better about this - of course if I need it and it's on sale, I never buy just one.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'. Guilty as charged. I am a mood dresser.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them. It took me a long long long time to ever let anyone see me cry. Now I realize that we all need to cry - and I need to let my children see me cry so they know when they feel similiar feelings that it's okay.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. Does this nailpolish make my butt look big?

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. Not true anymore - I love the power of silence.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. Damn, it does help when someone else is the statue the bird chooses to shit on today.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need. Making a man grovel can be such a power trip.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. Guilty guilty guilty

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. It doesn't count if you don't tell more than three people provided they don't talk to each other. Even psychologist talk to each other about clients in a very general manner (never divulging confidential information).

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. NEVER - I refuse to go in a group - it's demeaning. I can wipe my ass by my self. And I certainly don't want to have a friend hear me fart and the giggle about it all night long.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. Drives my teenage daughter nuts because when I am home I refuse to answer the phone unless I am expecting a call.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch. That's because men's brains have only two settings - neutral or park.

Women think all beer is the same. You mean it really isn't?

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. Actually, mine will smell like a ginger orange spice shop.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. So a woman watching her man watch sports would be killing two birds with one stone?

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. Only 21?

Women brush their hair before bed. Why? I have always had the most incredible bed head in the world - what would it do to brush it before bed?

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed. Hahaha - brain freeze (think about it)

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. We also get paid more for sex.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? And I am sure she plugged his nose and forced it down his throat. And if he had been more attentive to her needs she wouldn't have been wandering around seeking...

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?' We know a lot more than men think - we just choose to let them think they are in charge of something.

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. Architects who have been trained well by their mothers, daughters, and wives. Women wouldn't be so crass as to pee in a trough.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. They can't remember to wipe their weenies and replace the toliet paper roll --- what makes them think they could even try to name 5 of a woman's bathroom items?

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Superiority breeds comtempt --- think about it carefully. Cats are superior; men kick them in frustration.

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Usually about how many times the man didn't ask for directions on the way home.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. We also don't scratch our privates in public - the point is what???

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. At least we arrive.

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards. Thats because there aren't many guys who can wear us out.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' We do but we want it to be based on our honesty not someone elses.

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. works for me

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. notice that Ken's hands can't scratch his balls and since he can't reach to jack off - they decided "why waste the plastic making him a penis"

Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. Big, Bigger, Biggest - not insecure --- just trying to not intimidate friends

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. That's because it's usually a man behind us blaring his horn because he's lost and late

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Nothing is a state of mind. (think about it)

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. Which is why we don't get lost.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. And men think a beer gut is a sign of manliness.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck.....

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'. Considering men don't wash hands and will eat out of a can....

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. And we get away with it - selfish or intelligent?

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble) Sit and pee - no problem.

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Do you really want to touch splatter patterns?

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Considering most police officers are still men .... what's the problem if it works don't fix it.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? The man does get funnier the thicker his wallet gets.

Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay. touche'

It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together. So, who is more insecure?

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women. Another sign of mental superiority.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!' Dogs can eat the same food 3 times a day for 15 years - so what's the point?

Two Dates - One Event

I have two dates to the prom.

I asked Erik in a panic if he would go with me. He said yes. So now I have the "gay escort" date for the University's annual dinner dance.

But then Greg walks in my office (he got my email) and I was standing there with the invitation in my hand. Like an idiot, I asked him. He said he would be "honored to be seen escorting me." Started talking about it being time to buy a new suit ---- oh shit - it's semi formal.

Crap - now I have two dates and no dress.

Erik - safe, gay, funny
Greg - not really interested in me romantically, could be a player, easy to talk to

Double crap.

Oh and did I mention that both are over 6 feet tall and I am 5'4"

Damn, I guess this means I need to buy some heels as well.

Triple crap.

Squawking like a Chicken....

Received an invitation for the annual semi-formal dinner dance for the University I attend. My initial thought was to handle it the same way as I handled the last three invitations and tossing it into the garbage can.

This year, however, I hesitated. Perhaps I hesitated too long because soon my brain was churning with thoughts of "what if...." and "who would I ask...."

I am a single mother, age 42. I don't date. My friends are all single moms or married moms. We are nearing middle age --- date? Who has time? I work full time, go to school full time and raise children. Shit, if I didn't get up before them in the morning I wouldn't have time to use the bathroom by myself.

Not only that - but I really don't find men that appealing on a personal/commitment level. I have an exhusband. I am kinda soured on the idea of another man in my life. Besides - I have three children what do I need a fourth one for? I have batteries for my "toys". Other than maybe a crude joke now and then and a little extra money to bicker over --- what exactly could a man offer me? Love? - don't believe in that. Adult companionship - I have friends. Someone to talk to - again, friends work just fine.

So....back to the invitation in my hand. I kept it. I pondered. I pondered some more.

I decided to go - with an escort.

There is a gentleman at my office who I have a fairly comfortable friendship with. No romance, no sparks. But we talk and enjoy similar music. I decided I would ask him. No harm if he says no. However the fact that he is single, in the right age bracket, and intelligent does make me wonder if this would be classified as a date. Ugh, I hate albatrosses in my stomach. I will email him on Monday and ask him to stop by my office later.

Monday morning - I send the email.

I panic. Shit, I really panic.

Without thinking, I raced into Erik's office and boldly without thinking asked him to be my escort to the dinner dance. He says "yes" provided his calendar at home is clear (this means he need to check in with his partner).

Yes, I pulled the pathetic "ask the gay guy to escort me" routine. I hang my head in shame. I am woman, hear me whimper.

Now I am going to have to think up something to discuss with Greg.

Who knows, maybe Erik's calendar is already booked for that night.

Maybe I can do this all over again on Wednesday.

cluck, cluck

Vaccine for Mothers.......

I think there should be a vacine for mothers. I have spent the last 3 days taking care of my sick son - this morning I woke up feeling like something an alleycat either hacked up or shit out.

I wrote down some really awesome stuff to post but I grabbed the paper instead of a kleenex and well.....it was full of snot that you only get my ranting and raving about being cat droppings.

And multiple children - all that means is that the bug or whatever has set up home in our bodies will visit each child separately. I can look forward to the next couple of weeks taking care of one snotty nosed offspring or another.

All I can say is now is the time to consider old wives tales - a shot of brandy could do wonders to my attitude.

And one more thing....

Just so you all know the difference - I am not OBSESSING, I am PERSEVERATING.

Jenn (http://www.dejennerate.com/blogger.html) keeps copies of old chats we have had - what? who copies and saves instant messages?

Jenn has a big ugly terra cotta sheep and lamb

Jenn has a sheep pin

Jenn has sheep socks

Jenn has lots of stuffed sheep

Is Jenn obsessed with sheep?

MMMMMMM.....Jenn?

Oh....what? Yes, I did buy all those sheep for you - why do you ask?

Oh....nevermind.

Me? OCD?

A friend had the nerve to hint on her blog yesterday that I was OCD (okay she didn't just hint - she came out and said it). Now I am a licensed professional counselor so I am trained to spot those who are OCD and those who are not.

I looked in my DSM IV manual (American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Criteria). Of the five criteria, I have only three.

I also looked in my DSM III manual, the DSM II manual and the original DSM manual. Just in case there were updates, I also checked the APA website as well as 16 other OCD related websites.

I took 3 personality tests as well.

I am not OCD.

One mistake.....

Someone recently asked me how I talk to my children about marriage - do I discuss who they should/shouldn't marry? Would I forbid them from marrying if I disagreed with their choice?

I have three children, so this is something I may someday need to face.

I have always told my children "I don't care who you marry -

black/white/green/purple;
male/female/alien;
Catholic/Mormon/Atheist;
American/German/Iraqi;
Earthling/Martian/Vulcan

- as long as there is mutual love and respect....you are free to marry whomever you want to marry."

My daughter (being the sometimes smartass that she is) told me "considering the mistake you made choosing dad, I assume we are all entitled to one mistake along the way."

Someday when she is least expecting it I will ask her one or all of the following "

"Are you sure this is the time you want to make that ONE MISTAKE?"

"Do I have to fund this marriage mistake or can I wait until you make the right choice and pay for it then?"

"You are going to waste your ONE MISTAKE on this person?"

"Gee, at least my ONE MISTAKE was based on my biological clock ticking - what's your excuse?"

"Man, when you make a mistake, you don't do it half assed - you picked a total ass."

"Honey, this isn't ONE MISTAKE - this is a cluster fuck"

Count Snerk D'Fur

I suppose NOW I should explain Count Snerk D'Fur.

I wanted to get my friend Barking Shark (Amy) a very special xmas present. I look at Kohls. I looked at JCPenney's. I looked at Nordstrom. I looked at Herzberg Diamonds.

Nothing.

So I looked at Target. I looked at Walmart. I looked at K-Mart. I looked at my local grocery store.

Still nothing.

I looked at the Dollar Store.

Still nothing.

I headed to Goodwill. He had dirt between his toes. He has big buggy eyes. He has long ears - long nose - long tongue sticking out. He has a hole in his butt.

IT WAS HER VERY OWN TROLL.

I had to have it.

I went up to the counter cackling like a mad woman and asked the clerk if he would take $1.00 for it. He looked at me and said "Lady its so ugly no one else is gonna buy it - sure if you want it for a dollar you can have it."

During the week he sat by my computer, I fell in love with him. But sadly, he was not for me.

He now lives with Amy and wears her thongs when she isn't home.

But Count Snerk D'Fur will always carry my DNA in his butt. (Yes, Amy - I blew him a kiss after he was packed in the box - it was the only thing sticking up so what can I say).

You should have seen the clerks face when a week later I found Jenn's Christmas gift. $1.00 and Goodwill = EXCELLENT CHRISTMAS GIFTS for your friends.

Things I have not done today...

Dishes --- I made the kids do them before they watched a movie.

Laundry --- I ran out of laundry tokens and because of snow yesterday didn't go get any. Now I have to wait until Tuesday. Can we all say "two day rule"

Taxes --- I know Uncle Sam owes me money. I consider it only being a good American to let him hold on to it for a few more hours.

Homework --- Have you ever tried to critique an article that is strictly statistical? Gee, makes me yearn for more laundry tokens.

Sort socks --- The thought of sorting 109 white socks just doesn't do anything for me.

Make kids clean their rooms --- see socks above

Scrub behind toliet --- why?

Things I will also not do today ---

Organize spice cabinet
Sort through junk mail
Clean out purse
Pick lint out of bellybutton

The average morning...

Alarm goes off at 5:30am. I hit snooze - I vaguely remember that today, like everyday, I am supposed to get up and walk on treadmill for 30 minutes.

5:45 am - alarm goes off again, I hit snooze and tell myself it's okay - I will walk tomorrow

6:00 am - alarm goes off and this time after I hit snooze but actually sit up in bed.

6:05 am - move from bed and head to bathroom. I shower with my Bath and Body Orange Ginger shampoo. Supposed to revitalize me. Only works when I get it in my eyes.

6:15 am - daughter storms into bathroom "mom, you forgot to turn off your alarm clock AGAIN" I say nothing because I forgot on purpose ---- it wakes her up and that's all that matters.

6:20am - waking up boys.

Get dressed.

Wake up boys again.

Start drying hair.

Wake up boys again.

Put eggs in water to boil.

Wake up boys again.

Make oatmeal.

Wake up boys again. This time it works because I have threatened to make them get dressed AT school if they can't do it at home.

Put on earrings, rings and cell phone - gather briefcase

Eat breakfast.

7:00 am - leave house.

7:02 am - return to house to get whatever someone forgot - sometimes its a kid - sometimes its a hat - rarely is it something really important like homework or band instrument. That will be remembered later with a frantic call to me. (I never race home - they have to learn the consequences of forgetting. These calls are becoming less frequent as the kids realize that all I will say is "that's too bad.")

7:15 am - drop off boys at school.

7:20 am - drop off daughter at school.

7:30 am - Stop at starbucks for a cup of coffee - using my punch card I count down to free cup of coffee (every 7th cup is free).

8:00 am - arrive at work.

Is it over yet.....

Just heard the weather forecast - possibility of 9 - 11 inches of snow followed by 2 - 4 inches of lake affect snow.

Now, I've done the sledding and snowboarding with the kids. I have the piles of coats, boots, gloves, hats, scarves, snowpants, winter underware, ear muffs, etc. cluttering up my entry way. I have a dozen left handed gloves and only 2 right handed gloves.

I have fallen on the ice and tore part of my rotator cuff - I am still in physical therapy.

I have scrapped the snow from my windshield enough to actually break a snow scraper. There are now four scrapers in the car - one for me and one for each kid. No reason they can't scrap their own windows now.

I have chapped lips, chapped thighs and chapped fingers. I know the chapped thighs are not from winter but chapped things just come in threes.

I am done with winter.

It's January 21st and I don't want no more -25 with windchill weather.

I quit.

Tomorrow morning I am going to wear shorts and a t-shirt and I am not going to leave my house. I am going to use the indoor grill and make hotdogs and I am going to wear my sandals. I am going to drink ice tea and lemonade. I am going to put on sun screen. I am going to wear sunglasses.

Tomorrow afternoon I will borrow an Ativan from a friend and go sledding with the kids.

My Favorite Blogs

Wanna read some blogs that make me look normal? These are the blogs of my very good friends....

http://www.dejennerate.com/

and

http://barkingshark.blogspot.com/

4am screams.........

I was awoken at 4am this morning to bloodcurdling screams from my 7 year old son Dane. He was in the bathroom standing in the tub pointing to a little bundle of fur on the bathroom rug. Sitting on the rug was the most terrified dwarf hamster you have ever seen.

Yes, Ne has finally returned home.

Back in the middle of December I bought the kids two baby dwarf hamsters. They were too small to have whole names so one became Ne and the other became Mo (NeMo). The first night in their dwarf hamster cage, Ne escaped. We looked everywhere. We set humane traps to catch him alive. For weeks we looked and hoped and finally accepted the fact that he was running where the wild things live.

Almost 30 days later.....there he was sitting on the rug in the bathroom shaking in terror as Dane screamed. I was able to pick him up and put him in a temporary cage. I will be going at lunch break and buying him a simple escape proof home (I can't put him back with Mo because of the time away and they will be too territorial and will probably fight).

I am sure there is a good moral lesson to be learned about not giving up on someone....maybe....but not right now, I am still drinking my coffee and trying to keep my blearly eyes open.

Not my original thoughts (but they come close)

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you!

from the mouth of babes.......

The other night my children were discussing a movie "All Dogs go to Heaven". After a while they drew me into the conversation.

Some of the many questions asked ---

There are people who believe in heaven. Do these people who believe in heaven believe that animals will also go to heaven?

If animals go to heaven and they had many owners, who get's them?

What happens if you had lots of pets?

Does your path believe that animals go to species specific heavens?

I told my children that I didn't know the specific answers and that I would research the questions; part of my research is asking for other people's opinions.

My son (age 7) had the final thought on the subject.

Son: Mom, if there is a mouse heaven, it will be huge compared to human heaven."

Me: Why is that?

Son: Because a human will live to be like 80 and have only a few children. A mouse will live to be 6 and can have like 20 babies a year. So in 80 years there might be 5 new humans from one family to go to human heaven but in 80 years there might be thousands of mice to go to mouse heaven. Mouse heaven would have to be HUGE. Human heaven would be puny.